she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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