Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
