haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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