no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
