did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
