i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
