i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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