His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
