Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
As shirtless as possible
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
