You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
