Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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