I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
he fucked my hip out of place.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
