so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
im having a threesome with these popsicles
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
