i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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