then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
