Cold hands, warm shart.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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