Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
