i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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