bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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