I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
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