Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
