I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
