i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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