can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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