The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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