I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
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