hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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