I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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