I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
