I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
