i just made my gag reflex go away.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
