im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
