im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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