went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
