Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
