I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
