This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Randomize
