how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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