i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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