the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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