the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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