Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
