I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
