tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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