he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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