You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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