i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
