Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
