if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
