So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
